The Tide

Photo by Brett Jordan from Pexels

That will teach me to post late in the day. Like I’m doing today. Yesterday’s post went almost entirely unread, so with trepidation I’m posting late again today with a plea for some help.

I mentioned that I had to replace the Auden excerpts from one of my stories in The Veil of Sheera and other Tales. I decided to remove them altogether, and only replace the last one. (I had already paraphrased the others within the text.)

For those music bods out there, I’m replacing a quote of the last four lines of Peter Grimes with my own poetry. I’m not a rhymer, but I decided it was necessary in this case.

Here is the original Auden:

In ceaseless motion comes and goes the tide
Flowing it fills the channel broad and wide
Then back to sea with strong majestic sweep
It rolls in ebb yet terrible and deep

I’m replacing it with:

Never ceasing, ebbs the tide,
Doth mortal man, his fate decide.
The doomed are destined for the deep,
While on the shore their lovers weep.

It fills the harbor as it goes,
While in and out it ever flows.
Its power grinds the stone to sand,
Forever sculpts our flimsy land.

I realize that each of my lines is a foot shorter, but I’m hoping to keep the otherwise bleak and timeless feel. I also want it to feel a little archaic, which is why I’m rhyming.

I would be grateful for any constructive comments. It goes at the end of my novella, Intolerance, which is on my site (in it’s unedited original version). Unfortunately, you will only be able to read it if you are a member. It will be the first story in my anthology, so I’ve got to get it right.

The follow up question: Since Intolerance is first, should I change the name of the collection? The Veil of Sheera is last and much shorter. (It’s on TCoA.) Intolerance and other Tales would be easier to find some royalty free artwork for.

4 thoughts on “The Tide

  1. ebonyandcrows August 26, 2019 / 10:42 pm

    I’ve not ready any of your work previous to this, but your last two paragraphs are beautiful and they flow very well.

    • thecultofanne August 26, 2019 / 11:02 pm

      Thanks. Where I’m particularly concerned is in the second line, as well as the first line of the second stanza. “Goes” implies the tide is going out, and if that was the case, it wouldn’t be filling the harbor. Of course, it IS filling the harbor with silt, but that wasn’t really my point. In this case “goes” refers to the passing of tides, rather than an individual tide. Is that clear enough, or am I splitting hairs too finely?

  2. ebonyandcrows August 27, 2019 / 12:08 am

    I think you’re splitting hairs. I got the picture you are painting in my mind.

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