Rumination

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Photo by Ana Bregantin from Pexels

Our neighborhood block party is today, and I don’t really want to go. I’ve got work to do, and no time to cook something. I guess I’ll head off to the store and pick something up, and then not stay too long. (I doubt there will be tuna.)

I’ve been having thoughts about beginnings and belonging, hence today’s haiku: Genome. Yesterday’s haiku (Nascent) provides an alternative outlook. Belonging is another story. I don’t belong here. My job isn’t working out, but I’m getting to be too old to change. I suspect I’ll hang on to retirement, but it won’t be fun. I have an awkward skill set which doesn’t really fit into my already awkward situation. At first, I thought I couldn’t mold the job to fit my interests, but halfway through my initial contract, nothing substantial has changed. People lied to get me here, and those lies hid internal conflicts that make doing what I want impossible. I’ve got to adjust my desires and priorities.

Belonging is inextricably tied with feeling at home, but where is home? I’ve moved every 4-5 years, so nowhere really feels like home. I am so different from my parents that their home is familiar, yet there isn’t anything for me there professionally. My last position was comfortable, but there were some reasons that meant it would never be permanent. They kept saying that it could be, but I never received the solid assurances that I needed. Looking at what has happened there since I left, I would have never been offered a permanent/tenure-track contract. I know why, and I saw it coming. That is why I left.

I blundered into writing a tornado into Ezzie a couple of days ago (today’s installment: The Aftermath). How can you live in tornado alley and not even think about a tornado? She needed something to shake her up, and she certainly is shaken and stirred. My parents still talk about the tornado that destroyed their town five years ago as if it just happened. The worst part for me was the wait, while my sister who lived nearby checked in that they were OK. I read about that tornado on the Internet only minutes after it happened, and didn’t hear from my sister for another hour or two.

Ezzie is understandably shaken, and it is infecting my mood, too.

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