Escape hatch

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I’m finding myself remembering things I would rather forget. Ugly times. I don’t really want to go into it, but it has left me a little down. Hence, today’s senyru (I’m might as well admit that is what it is): Betrayal.

Having said that I don’t want to talk about it, I proceeded to start up a discussion, so I’m going to divert by selecting a random word, which is memorandum, which (of course) is usually shortened to memo. I’m going to write a memo to myself:

Don’t go there.

Just writing the memo takes me there.

It reminds me of
that of which I do not wish
to be reminded.

Why not mark it with another senyru?

Escape hatch.

Today’s card:

The Princess of Disks

A faithful person who deals badly with conflict. Someone with a quiet exterior with an inner strength and a comfort to those around her. An excellent practical manager skilled in dealing with finance. A homebody. She also represents fertility.

While the first sentence might describe me (especially today), the next is definitely not me. I’m not a good empath if I have a skin in the game. Contained within my inner strength is a core weakness: I get too involved. Outwardly, I can forgive and forget. Inwardly, I hold onto it all with both hands.

Pre-loaded

Locked and loaded,
primed pump, me
ready for tomorrow
today, yesterday

confused, time
slipped into the future
passed past
put out to pasture

memory not
what it should be
memories not
what they should have been

prepared for the unprepared,
needs repair
let it go
find it again

tomorrow

I don’t know where that came from. I was just about to tell you all about how I was just gushing with haiku yesterday that I wrote two more than I was supposed to, so I preloaded them to publish today and tomorrow. That may mean that my blog here is a little less impromptu. Today, I see that is even less the case than I thought.

Anyway, here is today’s haiku: dissipation.

Today’s card:

VIII. Adjustment.

There isn’t much to say, other than this used to be called Justice. It’s all about balancing the scales, so if you say to-MAY-to, I’m going to say to-MAH-to. Today, at least. Tomorrow may be another story. I can be capricious like that. It’s all about making adjustments to find that balance, a harmony between what you want and what you can have, between instinct and reality. I’m about to make a phone call that is going to require a balanced head if I’m going to get what I want.

stumped, stooping

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Photo by Juliana Stein from Pexels

I stooped to the random word generator for my haiku again today: disappointment. Yesterday was a blah day. Wandered around town to get things for the flat, but didn’t take a list. I forgot a few things, so I’ll have to go out again today.

I make lists, but I never look at them. I usually remember what I write on them, so why write them? The mere act of writing commits it to memory. I used to take notes in class, but never looked at them. I know where to look if I forget something.

I’m an elephant.

Well, not if you look at me. I don’t carry any (or much) extra weight.

OK, people to phone, places to go, people to see, so here is today’s card.

7 of Disks. Failure

Here there is a difference between Thoth and Rider Waite interpretations. Thoth tends toward Blight, things that are rotten or spoiled. I need to buy milk, but I better be certain to look at the sell by date. Rider-Waite emphasizes the long term view, sustainable results and investment, also persistence and success through hard work. To me, that seems more in keeping with the number seven, which is one of my lucky numbers. Do I really believe in lucky numbers? Certainly, when I’ve been associated with the numbers 7 or 11, and 3 to a lesser extent, good things have happened. I don’t know how that relates to me today. I’m not expecting anything, any news or anything like that. Today is just a day to get things done.

The Big Sky

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Photo by Ivan Obolensky from Pexels

Today was all about memories. Maybe that has more to do with yesterday’s draw, than today’s. I was visiting elderly relatives, and was asking them about their childhood, their parents, and bygone days – 5 cent bus fares into the city unchaperoned.

Now that seems quite unusual in these hypersensitive times, but when I was a child, I traveled all over the neighborhood, even to a friend’s house or school, each of which was a half mile away. Did my parents know where I was? Not really. They had a vague idea, but rarely was I where I told them I would be. I was in middle America not near enough to a big city to know what the bus fare was. I knew what a corn field was, but I didn’t have anything to do with it, other than picking through it after it was harvested. (They always missed a few ears, but it was feed corn – better for pigs.)

I remember the big sky, watching storms wander by, and scary tornado watches announced on our black & white television, staying up late to watch Neil Armstrong step on the moon for the first time, and looking up at it, hoping to catch a glimpse of the spacecraft. (Ha!)

Haiku for the day: Truth, Myth, Memory

8 of Disks. Prudence. Being Careful. Thinking twice before doing.

Again, I wonder if this is for tomorrow, my last day before returning to the old country, my old home, but not my oldest home. I’m going back for some inspiration, to see some old friends and to chill (possibly literally – it can be cold in Yorkshire during the summer). I need to be careful about what I pack, and about how much I tire myself out. I need to think prudently, but not be overly careful.

Victory

Huh? After yesterday’s rain, it was a beautiful day today. More driving, a few visits, and meals. In response to another’s blog – someone who will read this – we all have a reason for being here. We inspire others, we make them dig deeper, and we open them up to bare their souls, perhaps in new ways. Everyone means something to someone, even if it is just one person. We change others – even if it is in a minor way.

You can’t un-meet someone. You affect their lives. You teach (even if it is not intended). We listen and learn or ignore to suit who we are. I am touched, even if I don’t want to be, and I touch others, perhaps insignificantly – or significantly. I can’t tell, and maybe neither of us can tell now – maybe tomorrow, a year from now, ten years from now, or maybe we will never acknowledge it. We change, we adapt, we grow, we regress.

We submit to the urge. I do. You do. We all have one. We all submit, at some point.

The Urge is here.

Today’s card is:

VII. The Chariot. Triumph. Victory. Memory. Hope. Violence in maintaining traditional ideas. Die-hard ruthlessness. Lust for destruction. Obedience. Authority under Authority. Faithfulness. Digestion.

It keeps getting worse. How does it pertain to me today? I’m going to need to digest that for a while. (I’ve eaten too much today.) Hope? Memory. The lucky number 7?

Well, seven does seem to be my lucky number, also 11, and perhaps 3, although one and six have a lot of influence in my life. I am not particularly traditional and wouldn’t ordinarily defend the blindly traditional. One thing about visiting people today was digging up old memories.

Then there is obedience to the urge, lust for (self-)destruction.

I’ll stick with digestion for now.